The Real Flaws of Asian Parenting
The Real Flaws of Asian Parenting

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SUBSCRIBE // COMMENT // NEW VIDEOS DAILY We've heard it all before, and we all know how Asian kids turn out. They work hard, study hard, go to good schools, get good jobs, yada yada. Here's a take on Asian parenting, derived from my friends and my own experiences. Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ZachHing Discord: https://discord.gg/WQ6d697 Donate: https://www.paypal.me/zachhing Newsletter: https://pages.convertkit.com/619a8d05f2/eb792acc93 Follow me on: Twitter: https://twitter.com/zachhing Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zachthehing/

Comments

Mark Chan : Thanks for this. Unfortunately, another trait of Asian parents is ego. Many (most) will not admit that they're wrong and will continue to justify that the way they're parenting is correct.

stan jaemin : “yOu sO fAAAT.” “NONONO— EAT MORE RICE.”

The Ultimate McNugget Nagi : The worst kind of parenting style? _Christian Asian Authoritarian Parenting_

Kaiz The Monster : Before I leave my country to study in America My parents said :" Go study what ever you want to be in the future" I chose game design My parents:" Why dont you become a lawyer"

Jim Yu : The problem is that many Asian parents don't have a life either. They was born and grew up in 50's to 70's. Their life objective was to pretty much to survive and earn money. They literally don't know how to interact with kids other than pushing them to study harder. Many Asian kids has grown knowing very little about their parents, neither the parents knowing much about their kids. I would say to our fellow Asian new generation, break the cycle. Let's not let our kids suffer.

Flying Translator : "Son, you're throwing away your life!" "No, Dad. I'm throwing away yours!"

Gone In A Wisp : "I am not discussing Indian/Singaporean parents" Discusses them is perfect detail in the rest of the video.

Suzuran desu : What always makes me angry is asian parents never apologize even if they made mistakes and hurt their own child. And also true they compare kids like we're just a jewelery for them.

Keyemku : I live in california, with lots of asian families. Now here's an interesting phenomenon: I know a lot of friends with mental problems, depression, anxiety, anger issues etc. I have one friend who seems mentally stable like me. What do we both have in common? Our parents, though asian aren't traditional. Everyone else complains about their parents belittling them, calling them useless, comparing them, and they begin to believe it. The only people who seem mentally stable in my friend group are the ones who don't complain about their parents

ViVi-P : Parents: "Oh you want to do fine arts? Haha- no." Me: "But- " Parents: "You can become an engineer instead, or a lawyer."

Razear : Man, you are throwing out truth bombs left and right. Traditional Asian parents will tell their kids to shove their heads into a math textbook and avoid mingling with people of the opposite sex, but once they graduate from college and get a job, they suddenly expect you to be married and bear grandchildren. And people wonder why so many Asian kids grow up as socially awkward robots...

This is me : Sometimes I forget WHY I love YouTube so much, and then I come across videos like this. This was a truly beautiful and informative speech that was so filled with passion and personal truths. Keep up the good work! (P.S. thank you for not using jump cuts, I normally find them to take away from the message. So thank you for being interesting enough to not even need them)

Xyon : *Hopefully Asian parents watch this* They need to watch this more than us, their children, do.

Shoujolover Matsune : Another thing is when parents use the "What're you gonna do if I die?!" or "I'll die soon" card on me (in a mad tone sometimes ready to spank or hurt me). It's like of course I don't want them to die (because I love them) but do you have to keep saying that everyday on me whenever I just wanna relax with my rest days?, it kinda makes me think what if I died earlier because of some freak accident, then what? idk, it's just really frustrating sometimes when they use that to add to their argument to prove them even more right.

alexei : Most of the instances you brought up are the literal textbook definition of emotional child abuse. The fact that such a abuse is put on a pedestal is extremely concerning.

Commando Master : Asian parents are very strict and controlling. They want their kids to be their ideal self and they will constantly criticize you for every little thing. It's all about studying and school. No hanging out with friends or doing things you enjoy. Once you get to your late 20s, Asian children start to realize they have no social skills and cannot communicate with the real world.

Nicholas M : I’ve seen this in dating. A lot of my friends are Asian Americans, but any that I’ve dated have been either awkward or image obsessed.

Ishingloo : I'm Asian (Thai) and I live in Guangdong. I'd like to add that here in China, many children are actually set up for marriage by their parents through hometown networks and "marriage markets." In this regard, this parenting style makes perfect sense. The first twenty-five years of a child's life are basically thought of by many parents as resume-building. Since many children aren't expected to find their own partners through trial-and-error dating, all the intangibles that Westerners look for in a partner are discarded by their parents in favor of more concrete and measurable points, such as schools and universities attended, career, salary, possessions, family prestige, etc. This is especially true for men, who have few marriage prospects if poor. Women in China also traditionally marry up the social ladder and get totally absorbed into their husband's family, so many girls are also (or instead) judged on their appearance, demureness, emotional skills, etc. Then, if a "high-class" man comes along who takes a liking to her, her family will gain access to his family's network. Naturally, I'm generalizing. I have seen many exceptions to this, but hopefully, I've given an adequate broad overview of the "why." It's a cultural thing, and it perpetuates just because it...is. Many Asians grow up lacking the experience to select their own partners because their culture already doesn't expect them to. But the singular focus on ticking Good Upbringing boxes makes them very attractive to other children's parents. Some people just don't want to take the risk of raising an "unimpressive" child. The issue is that Asians thus suffer when attempting to date in the West, where people tend to be more focused on the intangibles of personal relationships. There was a viral video in China of a Chinese guy who proposed to his foreign girlfriend by buying her a Lamborghini and got turned down. He threw a tantrum, screaming "I have money!" repeatedly. Because that's all he was told he'd need to have. Stories like that are common here.

Maria Liberti : I was raised similarly but I'm Italian. I was a trophy to brag about and someone to tear down. But I don't believe that is love.

Anna Yu : A norm I saw when I was in China, especially with young mothers with their kids is, they always ALWAYS said to their kids, "if you don't come here, I'm leaving you behind" and I saw this being said EVERYWHERE, I was shocked and disturbed because, without fail, the kid ALWAYS ended up upset or crying, I am sure I saw one kid not respond but I wonder if he got used to that sort of talk. The mother would sometimes pretend to walk away and the toddler, literal babies still stumbling around l, would tumble after their mom crying. I felt disturbed when in saw this, I heard that some cultures don't regard their babies by the same value as America does, like l, not something to be cherished or loved. But literally used as a tool. A baby!or a very young kid. I can't with this world...

LittleDarkBunny 19 : 9:30 Hah... I'm hispanic but I can relate to that. My parents often compare me to my cousin so much and praise her to the point it sounds like they wanna replace me. I gain a little weight and they make jokes and put me on the spot in front of the family and often say and call me hurtful things. Ofc this caused me to have self esteem issues, I lost so much confidence I build up and overall felt like shit and unworthy cause that's what apparently I am. Then they wonder why I don't spend as much time with them :)

Siddharth Arora : I m Indian and all I wanna say after watching this video Indian parenting = Chinese parenting system

stop just stop stop it : I hate the feeling of holding it all in. Holding all your anger and frustration for your parents because you know they work hard. You know they had to be on the hustle for all their life. But for some like me, your patience runs dry and you let it all out. I blew up at my mom when she was calling me lazy, unambitious, spoiled, and invalidated my stress just because I don’t have a “real job” as a kid. She didn’t even say sorry. She just continued her rant. Luckily my dad calmed it down.

Victoria E : On the bright side, you make less of the prison population. Nigerian parents are quite similar. You're either A. A doctor B. A lawyer C. An engineer D. A disgrace

burnt f1ames : dad: you did so bad on your homework me: your homework was to make me become successful. so............

Ben Roback : To be fair, the child raising systems you mention also existed alongside a culture of arranged marriage. In such a culture your family background, education, employment, and physical health would be the criteria used to ensure you a better partner. provided the matchmaker is decent at negotiation. Dating wasn't even an issue. I think the problems you are mentioning stem from an incompatible merger of philosophies. The [individualism] that prioritizes personal freedom, expression, self-fulfillment, choice, and happiness., VS The [collectivism] that prioritizes the good of the group! be it a family, company, or a nation. The diometricly opposed philosophies exist in every culture to some degree, but in current America, individualism is prioritized. It is Important to "be yourself!" to "be who you are!", but as to who "yourself" is? Well, you largely get defined by your inclusion in groups,. The advantage you get is choice. As to your points about the Flaws of Asian Parenting, That such parenting models are not preparing children to be successful in a social arena. Firstly by not engraving in the children social skills. and secondly by undermining self-esteem and growth as an individual. Well, I agree totally that both these things are a problem. I am of the opinion that collaboration, cooperation, networking are essential not only in personal relationships such as Dating, marriage, and friendship but also in the public or business sector. Generalization is more and more giving way to specialization,. If individuals with specific skills or attributes wish to be successful they need networking skills to get hired or form with compatible teams. Then function well inside those teams.

Amy Ng : Thank you for this. I cried

Top Snek : I'm a (mostly) straight guy, but I feel I just need to say you are a very handsome dude. 8/10

Antoinette : I've seen the exact opposite of this in white families. Moms especially want their kids, especially daughters, to be a social butterfly, insist their kids date and go to dances and get involved in social clubs. Then when their kids get to college, the parents are furious because the parents are spending so much money, and their social butterfly gets really bad grades. After watching this in some of my friends, hearing about the exact opposite is fascinating. It seems that lots of parents have no concept of balance.

SoundCzech : Tiger moms are probably some of my least favorite people on the planet. I've never met one but the idea of one Infuriates me as it's a complete disregard for the health of your kids.

Jexi : This is amazing. You seem like a awesome fella. Have shitty parents myself, but im not asian, but norwegian.

Lorienzo De Garcia : God DAMN, Zach. God freaking damn. You expressed these so PRECISELY in ACTUAL ENGLISH I'm FLOORED. Although this does not erase the pain that this type of parenting has caused me, it was still so cathartic to just hear the same old from another guy. But yeah. Everything you said was ON POINT. The lack of tact in our language is real, which is great to point out issues straight on but gosh freaking damn the insensitivity though, is so harsh. Like that daughter thing. I don't mind this because I understand how our socializing works: My mother "belittles" me in front of another mom to in a way praise that mom's children because it's in our culture as well, where if you praise your own child you WILL seem like you're gloating. No matter how successful or even sometimes how much charity work your son/daughter has done. Your mother might be viewed as not virtuous or uncool or you as the child may be viewed as somewhat of a hyped figure. It depends very much the situation where and when you talk and name-drop your child's deeds. The only way you can actually do so as a mom or a parent is where you are asked the "what are your children doing (currently up to)" question and the way you answer is where you must downplay or "humble" your child's feats down. Your child could be working as Bill Gates' right hand man, and you would say "Oh, my son? He's just working under a successful tech company. He's lucky to be there etc etc". There is a LOT of mind games and ego-check type of conversations where you need to watch what you say sometimes. It's like in every function setting it's a dick comparison contest of which spawn of their loins got the most achievements. And then gossip will spread around town about how you are. Which is why I find it tiring. I don't care for gossip but it hurts my parents' reputation and it hurts me greatly. I believe there is an inherent trait of hidden jealousy within a LOT of Asians. I don't know why. I personally think it's that competitiveness turned toxic after being marinated inside till it rotted. Come on, you freaking Asians. You know what I'm talking about. I personally think Asians in general are so driven by their parents to succeed academically that they see it as this tunnel and even if failing is not the end of your life, a lot of students feel the opposite, and actually end their lives. This drive has caused so much demand in academics that industries developed around this and while you guys may study let's say 5 subjects, the Chinese have to double that. I raise you the Malaysians where the Chinese there study TRIPLE of the number of subjects because they have to take exams in English, Chinese, and Malay. Not all of the time, but most of the time. I don't know. I imagine a lot of Asian youth are deeply hurt still, but I don't think Asian parents know what to do. They may work long hours and earn a living, but they do not connect enough with their children and all those "talks" we might have needed as children were not done, because talking about "feelings" were very cringey and quite honestly "useless", because they toughened it out, so why couldn't we? I know, I know. Remember that pyramid of needs? Where it's survival, then emotional needs, and spiritual needs up at the top? My parents worked to survive. Feelings were not talked about, discussed, nor did they ever had closure. All they did was "it happened" and "let it go" which they have not. Nowadays I who benefited from their hard work and do not need to worry about survival, have the unfortunate nature of being a very compassionate person, I believe I had emotional needs that were not met, I eventually literally shut down for about 10 years and my parents didn't know what to do. It's like I feel guilty and grief and even hate every time I think about it but at the same time I. CANNOT. HATE. MY. PARENTS. They did their best to provide for us kids and give us what they didn't have as poor kids. I. FEEL. GUILTY. For even daring to feel anything negative towards something I should be grateful for. If I have any cynical advice to any Asian kids out there, I wish you are a conventional, normal person that fits into the mold unlike me, just to avoid the conflicts. Just kidding. I want you to know, sincerely, that if your emotional needs aren't met, it's not your fault. If you are creative and you got shut down because "it's not a money-making career choice", don't shut down, try getting a good financial backing before pursuing art. Sometimes Asian families deal with extremes and they don't even know it. Don't shut down like I did. Be proud or at least happy for your achievements. Do practical work and feel your contribution showing and bearing fruit. Try doing little "cringy" talks with your parents once in a while. They love you but I sincerely believe Asian parents have lost the knowledge as how to demonstrate it. Perhaps one day the other folks will understand. Living under Asian parents is like an invisible chain that stops you on your tracks whenever you are thinking of doing something that is "not allowed". Just like a documentary about gay people in Japan that opt for heterosexual marriages just to conform with the norm, this guy said something along the lines of :"My body does not fully belong to me" because in a hard-to-explain way (because English is not my 1st language), because of family. And the societal and cultural structure we live in. Something needs to change. I'm not going to have children, but I'm going to be part of that change.

Blu : you can be super smart, but if you dont have the social skills, you wont go that far in life. i think all parents should teach their kids real life skills that schools do not teach, like dating, how to handle money, how to get a job, etc. the social part is one of the most important ones. you should be smart in your studies, but you should also know how to have a conversation with someone. social skills are necessity in society, without it, you are going to suffer a lot. learning them from a young age is key, dont wait until you are out of high school, and then you have no idea how to talk to people. i am one of those people that had poor social skills all the way up until college. i had to learn everything all by myself, how to talk to people properly, how to handle my body gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice. i never knew how complicated it actually was. im doing much better today, i can finally speak to people without looking like a psychopath, lol

TheOneAndOnlySomething : I'm a Chinese-American high school student and I can relate to this video a lot. My parents aren't as demanding as most parents are with education. They actually don't really care if I don't do exceptionally well in school, so if I don't do well in a class, they wouldn't get mad and they'd just tell me to take an easier class. It's not like they expect me to get into an Ivy League or something. They also encourage me to pursue my passions in IT even though they want me to be a nurse or whatever. But even with this, they're still very strict and they always get really mad at me if they find something wrong with me, even if it's not that significant. They always find something to criticize about me and they compare me to other people, and that really pisses me off. They forced me and still continue to force me to take on various activities (like piano and basketball) and I ended up stopping because I hated them and I didn't feel very passionate about them at all. My parents actually encourage me to make friends, and I think a lot of other parents do because a lot of Asian kids in my grade are actually pretty extroverted. However, despite how laid-back my parents are, I still find myself conforming to the typical Asian stereotype because I don't know what else to be. I do very well in school but I keep pushing my own expectations for myself; I will feel ashamed if I don't meet my expectations in a class, which tend to be pretty high. I spend so much time on my work that I barely have time for anything else. I've always been bad at socializing and I refuse to make any close friends because I feel like I can't and don't need anyone to talk to. Somehow the Asian culture/stereotype always comes back to me no matter how much it's trying to be avoided.

ImaginaryMdA : I may not have asian parents, but I sure don't have any self confidence. *best of both worlds*

Sasu Attiogbe Redlich : i'm not asian but my mom is the same somehow but she has like a split personality . . . I think asian parents just reflect how they are feeling by attacking the child . just a huge control mechanism .

ZEN Christafarian : I'm not Asian but my wife is. She exhibits a lot of these same attitudes and projects them on me. I am sure that she picked up these habits from her parents. It is definitely a cycle. Great video!

Andrew Tobeck : Growing up from a blue collar working class people grades were never that important so long as I passed I was taught how to work hard i would clean the whole house with my brother, bring in fire wood and as a teen I was working 32hrs a week I was always looked down upon by the rich kids and now these snobs who went to college and work at Starbucks are furious while I have far exceeded most of them with no degree because I was taught how to do real work not how to pass a test

Measure Twice : You nailed it 100% TRUTH, this parenting style creates Narcissists/Sociopaths and bitter hostile humorless and/or depressed suicidal adults. I've seen this phenomenon personally dozens of times. I am white, and was raised in this exact type of family upbringing situation in a white American family in the 1970's and 1980's. It is a TERRIBLE childhood and left my sister and I with college degrees (doctorates) and miserable shattered adult lives with DEEP PAINFUL resentments. Thank you for this REMARKABLE video, hats off to you. God bless your courage in speaking out on this topic. It happens in white families also, albeit less nowadays than 30 years ago when I was growing up.

Dat Dang : *clicks on video to appease youtube god* 5 minutes later *stays for the rest* But seriously, though, this is a really nice discussion. TED talk worthy. Also there ain't nothing wrong with a lil' thicc. Too skinny is ugly. I also can relate to you since my parents aren't that strict.

Promi NewsTV : I’m swiss my parents are turkish from the asian part whatever and this is exactly what they are doing I’m the best in my class but they’re still like “oh u could be doing this” or “yeah u might be good at school but ur worthless at home” I’m not allowed to date anyone they think it’s irrelevant and when the time is right I can start to search for someone but first I need to be some kind of a fucking doctor They already chose my own future I have nothing to say

{ Amoose } : I’ve got Asian parents and I’m glad they have close to balanced parenting like caring about grades

MeguSmith : Mom >you must eat more >no boyfriend also mom >why you are so fat >when you are going to have boyfriend

Oreo The Doggo : This video is so accurate to the point where I have to stop my tears from falling.

Lars Chue : Successful people who did not inherit and squander their fortunes all practiced Asian parenting on themselves or had parents who pushed them. Western countries fear Asian success and embedded Asian culture toxicness while over elevating the priority of personality development and fun without responsibility and integrity to advance one's life or find a suitable spouse. Again, western civilization stereotypes against Asian self-development. SMH.

heinluvwitdacoco : I'm Haitian (1st generation American) and I can totally relate to this type of parenting (especially from my mother). I've been told the same exact shit that your friend's mother said to her. Caribbean kids are told to study hard, go to college seeking a degree in the STEM fields, get a job and then all of a sudden be married when we turn 24/25 y/o. Well, how the hell am are we suppose to do this when all they tell us to do is no parties and no dating. We aren't allowed to question or be curious about other natural human things. It's truly sad and damaging.

Анна Соболева : You told the absolute truth ... about Russian parents! I am Russian and I live in Russia all my life, and all these examples of parental behavior of Asian parents are amazing how they are similar to how parents behave in Russia. True with all this, we have another, in my opinion, pernicious manner in education - to indulge children endlessly, to give them everything they want, immediately. In my opinion, this leads to terrible consequences: a huge number of divorces, a practically non-existent idea of ​​friendship, anger and aggression in society. Fortunately, now there is the Internet and many people find information on how to become a normal happy person. So there is hope that over time the situation will become more positive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes it seems to me that I am a very bad daughter and a bad person in general, since I have similar thoughts and feelings.

Xyon : *We must be the generation that should stop this kind of parenting* Let's not let our children in the future to experience the flaws of parenting that we recieved from our parents.

Koki Fujiwara : Please make a Mandarin subtitle, my mom needs to watch this.