The Real Flaws of Asian Parenting

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Zach Hing : I know this is a long video. But as you watch, I do go into other aspects of Asian parenting that AREN'T talked about. It's not just the study hard, high academic standards, good job rhetoric everyone is used to. Let me know your thoughts below!

Willy's Toys : "Son, why did you get B in math, you are Asian not Bsian"

Jim Yu : The problem is that many Asian parents don't have a life either. They was born and grew up in 50's to 70's. Their life objective was to pretty much to survive and earn money. They literally don't know how to interact with kids other than pushing them to study harder. Many Asian kids has grown knowing very little about their parents, neither the parents knowing much about their kids. I would say to our fellow Asian new generation, break the cycle. Let's not let our kids suffer.

dork lord : “yOu sO fAAAT.” “NONONO— EAT MORE RICE.”

Gone In A Wisp : "I am not discussing Indian/Singaporean parents" Discusses them is perfect detail in the rest of the video.

Mark Chan : Thanks for this. Unfortunately, another trait of Asian parents is ego. Many (most) will not admit that they're wrong and will continue to justify that the way they're parenting is correct.

The Ultimate McNugget Nagi : The worst kind of parenting style? _Christian Asian Authoritarian Parenting_

Kaiz The Monster : Before I leave my country to study in America My parents said :" Go study what ever you want to be in the future" I chose game design My parents:" Why dont you become a lawyer"

Ann Striker : I'm Polish from a strict home and I remember all of it. Calling me a clothes rack, not letting me out of the house, constantly switching between kids I was supposed to emulate. I still remember being told at 9 "obey or be homeless or end up like your trash mother". The actual word they used describes rotting roadkill. I thank God for holding my hand through it all or I would have killed myself at a very young age. To anyone going through all of it It's not forever. You will get out and you will survive. Keep breathing and ignore the mindgames, they're an empty tool anyway. Thank you for speaking out Zach. The world needs people like you. Hang in there everyone. God bless.

Keyemku : I live in california, with lots of asian families. Now here's an interesting phenomenon: I know a lot of friends with mental problems, depression, anxiety, anger issues etc. I have one friend who seems mentally stable like me. What do we both have in common? Our parents, though asian aren't traditional. Everyone else complains about their parents belittling them, calling them useless, comparing them, and they begin to believe it. The only people who seem mentally stable in my friend group are the ones who don't complain about their parents

Flying Translator : "Son, you're throwing away your life!" "No, Dad. I'm throwing away yours!"

Percy elliott : I think it all goes back to this idea of an honour culture. Let's face it, these asian parents are so worried about what other ppl, including extended family, think about them. They want their kid to be a doctor so they can brag about him/her. Honour is no longer a big deal in the west. The honour culture is a thing of the past. This is what happens when a society is more about the individual rather than collective values.

Shoujolover Matsune : Another thing is when parents use the "What're you gonna do if I die?!" or "I'll die soon" card on me (in a mad tone sometimes ready to spank or hurt me). It's like of course I don't want them to die (because I love them) but do you have to keep saying that everyday on me whenever I just wanna relax with my rest days?, it kinda makes me think what if I died earlier because of some freak accident, then what? idk, it's just really frustrating sometimes when they use that to add to their argument to prove them even more right.

Dan Chase : Same for Indians too, dude. I rebelled after i realized they could not punish me. I did not get pocket money, i did not have gaming consoles, i do not like TV. I realized that outside of school i had no life. They could not punish me by talking any privileges away since i had none, they could not kick me out of the house cause it would bring them shame and corporal punishment was useless since i got beaten up so much i got used to it. When i started replying to family members, it was the best. "You should be more like your cousin." "How? By having my boyfriend cheat on me and run away with half my life savings" (Cousin never forgave me for that one) "Your uncle started his own business at your age. Go work with him" "I sure hope he teaches me how to be an alcoholic and beat my wife too."(Turns out half the family did not know this was happening so shit went DOWN) They now tell me to never go to family gathering. They are trying to bury me. I am just planning to finish uni and leave this place. I don't have any ambitions or desires or even hobbies. I was studying at the age when you are supposed to discover yourself. I am doomed to a pretty boring and horrible life. yay.

Kathlyn P. : I'm glad to say that my parents are very loving parents. Filipino culture may not be the authoritarian Chinese/East Asian style of parenting, but I definitely have experienced a certain degree of that parenting. Yes, the comparison between cousins and/or your peers is still present. Yes, there is still that degree of them wanting you to be the very best you can be (doctor, lawyer, engineer, nurse) , and sometimes that may not be enough. With maturity though, I realized that this comes from a loving aspect (at least from my parents) because they want me to aim high because they know I'm very capable of it. Yes, you learn an instrument, or if we're being stereotypical, have a great voice (gotta song like Whitney Houston). We moved to Canada, btw, and the aspect of social skills and that being deterred by parenting/culture that I've had to come to terms with is the concept of being 'mahinhin'. For those of you that may not know, it's basically being ladylike, soft-spoken, and refined in social settings. Growing up it was ingrained in me, whether it be subconciously, to always be 'mahinhin' when dealing with people, especially boys. I was always quiet around my relatives, 'don't speak unless you're spoken to'. And i've had to really try and get out of that shell with the realization that that's never going to work in the Western world, where women are free to be confident and do whatever they want. I gradually was able to talk to guys. And slowly, I'm trying to be more assertive and confident in how I speak. This video really resonated with me. One of my professors wondered why I seemed so shy, and it actually has costed me of landing that job that I really wanted. They concurred it was my lack of social/ communication skills, and lately I've been really having to come to terms of whether this aspect of my culture/identity is something that I want to keep, when I know it's going to hurt me in the future, with my career and my relationships. I believe everyone can change for the better, however. I definitely want to balance being confident and assertive with my cultural identity and values.

Razear : Man, you are throwing out truth bombs left and right. Traditional Asian parents will tell their kids to shove their heads into a math textbook and avoid mingling with people of the opposite sex, but once they graduate from college and get a job, they suddenly expect you to be married and bear grandchildren. And people wonder why so many Asian kids grow up as socially awkward robots...

ViVi-P : Parents: "Oh you want to do fine arts? Haha- no." Me: "But- " Parents: "You can become an engineer instead, or a lawyer."

Top Snek : I'm a (mostly) straight guy, but I feel I just need to say you are a very handsome dude. 8/10

Anna Yu : A norm I saw when I was in China, especially with young mothers with their kids is, they always ALWAYS said to their kids, "if you don't come here, I'm leaving you behind" and I saw this being said EVERYWHERE, I was shocked and disturbed because, without fail, the kid ALWAYS ended up upset or crying, I am sure I saw one kid not respond but I wonder if he got used to that sort of talk. The mother would sometimes pretend to walk away and the toddler, literal babies still stumbling around l, would tumble after their mom crying. I felt disturbed when in saw this, I heard that some cultures don't regard their babies by the same value as America does, like l, not something to be cherished or loved. But literally used as a tool. A baby!or a very young kid. I can't with this world...

Dextruider : *Hopefully Asian parents watch this* They need to watch this more than us, their children, do.

Antoinette : I've seen the exact opposite of this in white families. Moms especially want their kids, especially daughters, to be a social butterfly, insist their kids date and go to dances and get involved in social clubs. Then when their kids get to college, the parents are furious because the parents are spending so much money, and their social butterfly gets really bad grades. After watching this in some of my friends, hearing about the exact opposite is fascinating. It seems that lots of parents have no concept of balance.

KaiserTrigger : Your parents also valued your mental health apparently. Pressure can be a double edged sword. And many Asian parents seem to give no care in the world to their kids mental health if it means they can have a kid who has a reputation they can show off to their neighbors. It seems to be this sense of conformity, where if you're not all successful or useful in the usual formulaic way, then you're just an outcast. The sad thing is, most people don't want to find the middle ground. There's like epidemics of people expressing their anger and depression over pressure in extremely awkward and many times dangerous and violent ways. Basically, many criminals are products of their parents, and the systems expectations.

Emma Vermeulen : Sometimes I forget WHY I love YouTube so much, and then I come across videos like this. This was a truly beautiful and informative speech that was so filled with passion and personal truths. Keep up the good work! (P.S. thank you for not using jump cuts, I normally find them to take away from the message. So thank you for being interesting enough to not even need them)

Karen Califano : From what I've learned living in an area with many Koreans and Chinese people whose children attended public school with my children, is that they also push their kids to learn an instrument as well, either the piano, violin or some brass instrument and most of the kids play very well, however, it's more because their parents force them to play well, not because they're passionate about it. I find that, in itself, a bit disturbing because it doesn't teach the child the magic of playing and listening to good music nor playing well because you love it, it seems it's more about showing off to others, or about being good at it because you worked hard at it, not because it came naturally from the heart. It seems very disconnected to me in some ways on the Asian parent's pushing their kids to play an instrument just to "look good" to the crowd at school or other parents. Almost like a competition, "My kid can play better than yours" type of thing.

stop just stop stop it : I hate the feeling of holding it all in. Holding all your anger and frustration for your parents because you know they work hard. You know they had to be on the hustle for all their life. But for some like me, your patience runs dry and you let it all out. I blew up at my mom when she was calling me lazy, unambitious, spoiled, and invalidated my stress just because I don’t have a “real job” as a kid. She didn’t even say sorry. She just continued her rant. Luckily my dad calmed it down.

robert samuel : I have an anecdote. It's about this Asian girl that I knew. It's past tense now because she killed herself last year by suffocating herself with helium gas. The reason the girl killed herself is that she can't stand being compared with her cousins anymore. For clarity sake, one cousin works as a hair-stylist in a shopping mall and the other works as an accountant in some small construction firm. She on the other hand has an engineering background in chemistry and you know how Asians love them engineers, lawyers and doctors. That misalignment in the reality is what I think broke her. She's an engineer. She's supposed to be highly paid. At least she should be paid higher than her hair-stylist and accountant cousins. Her cousins, though not as highly educated as she is, are able to have high salaried jobs. And because of that, her parents always belittled her, telling her in snark cynical voice "What good is the degree when your cousins can all work for better money?" or "What a waste of good money on that degree of yours." (They said in mandarin of course and yes, I can understand mandarin.) They probably didn't realize that the girl has internalized her degree as part of her identity and that challenging the validity of her degree is akin to challenging the validity of her existence. This is something I read from her diary by the way. She feels like a burden and she feels useless. She feels that all these while of being the smartest, she is the smartest in the entire extended family just so you know, she turns out to be the most useless (earn less) one in the family. In the end, she killed herself and I would have told her parents serve them right but boy, the look on their faces when they realized their mistake was just so heartbreaking. The father turns into an alcoholic and the mother is now on anti-depressant. All these while, being elevated to the top because of academic prowess, were all for nothing because your degree don't mean much in the real world at the end. God, I feel sad even typing this out.

francis : Most of the instances you brought up are the literal textbook definition of emotional child abuse. The fact that such a abuse is put on a pedestal is extremely concerning.

LittleDarkBunny 19 : 9:30 Hah... I'm hispanic but I can relate to that. My parents often compare me to my cousin so much and praise her to the point it sounds like they wanna replace me. I gain a little weight and they make jokes and put me on the spot in front of the family and often say and call me hurtful things. Ofc this caused me to have self esteem issues, I lost so much confidence I build up and overall felt like shit and unworthy cause that's what apparently I am. Then they wonder why I don't spend as much time with them :)

Edward Everheart : Many of what you said actually goes with Christian parenting as well. I was taught that the perfect life is get a good education, get a good job, get married, have 10 children, and serve God in your local church whilst giving them a portion of your money. I remember growing up always told how to live and what to think(not how to think), what to do and what not to do, and that I would burn in hell for eternity if I ever did something that was considered a "sin." Like masturbate, or even *THINK* of sex. Doesn't take much thinking to realize that I was completely socially incompetent growing up. Never dated, never met new people, and stayed closed off from the world around me believing that everything out there was going to hurt me. I don't even know how I managed to escape from all of that and actually started living and developed the mindset that I have right now. The problem is, like you said, ignorance. Ignorance and pride! A big portion of our parents never want to get out of their own way to help us, support us, or even try to understand us! To them their traditions, values, and religious beliefs are more important than anything, and they would not budge a bit to stay true to them even if it impairs their children! We suffer because of them, and when they say that we're useless they do not even think for a second that it might have actually been their fault on the parenting side! I mean... Children don't raise themselves, do they? I certainly didn't.

TheOneAndOnlySomething : I'm a Chinese-American high school student and I can relate to this video a lot. My parents aren't as demanding as most parents are with education. They actually don't really care if I don't do exceptionally well in school, so if I don't do well in a class, they wouldn't get mad and they'd just tell me to take an easier class. It's not like they expect me to get into an Ivy League or something. They also encourage me to pursue my passions in IT even though they want me to be a nurse or whatever. But even with this, they're still very strict and they always get really mad at me if they find something wrong with me, even if it's not that significant. They always find something to criticize about me and they compare me to other people, and that really pisses me off. They forced me and still continue to force me to take on various activities (like piano and basketball) and I ended up stopping because I hated them and I didn't feel very passionate about them at all. My parents actually encourage me to make friends, and I think a lot of other parents do because a lot of Asian kids in my grade are actually pretty extroverted. However, despite how laid-back my parents are, I still find myself conforming to the typical Asian stereotype because I don't know what else to be. I do very well in school but I keep pushing my own expectations for myself; I will feel ashamed if I don't meet my expectations in a class, which tend to be pretty high. I spend so much time on my work that I barely have time for anything else. I've always been bad at socializing and I refuse to make any close friends because I feel like I can't and don't need anyone to talk to. Somehow the Asian culture/stereotype always comes back to me no matter how much it's trying to be avoided.

Victoria E : On the bright side, you make less of the prison population. Nigerian parents are quite similar. You're either A. A doctor B. A lawyer C. An engineer D. A disgrace

Анна Соболева : You told the absolute truth ... about Russian parents! I am Russian and I live in Russia all my life, and all these examples of parental behavior of Asian parents are amazing how they are similar to how parents behave in Russia. True with all this, we have another, in my opinion, pernicious manner in education - to indulge children endlessly, to give them everything they want, immediately. In my opinion, this leads to terrible consequences: a huge number of divorces, a practically non-existent idea of ​​friendship, anger and aggression in society. Fortunately, now there is the Internet and many people find information on how to become a normal happy person. So there is hope that over time the situation will become more positive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes it seems to me that I am a very bad daughter and a bad person in general, since I have similar thoughts and feelings.

Nicholas M : I’ve seen this in dating. A lot of my friends are Asian Americans, but any that I’ve dated have been either awkward or image obsessed.

Kek : not sure how i got here but very good video

Amy Ng : Thank you for this. I cried

TheSasGaming : damn in indonesia if you mess a exam and teacher also mad that you have bad score. our parents gonna will use stick to punish you or even put you in empty room for few hours lol . not to mention, but damn nowadays is so different now parents chose to defend their child even they have bad exam score, im lucky my parents wants me to be smart

Dat Dang : *clicks on video to appease youtube god* 5 minutes later *stays for the rest* But seriously, though, this is a really nice discussion. TED talk worthy. Also there ain't nothing wrong with a lil' thicc. Too skinny is ugly. I also can relate to you since my parents aren't that strict.

SoundCzech : Tiger moms are probably some of my least favorite people on the planet. I've never met one but the idea of one Infuriates me as it's a complete disregard for the health of your kids.

Promi NewsTV : I’m swiss my parents are turkish from the asian part whatever and this is exactly what they are doing I’m the best in my class but they’re still like “oh u could be doing this” or “yeah u might be good at school but ur worthless at home” I’m not allowed to date anyone they think it’s irrelevant and when the time is right I can start to search for someone but first I need to be some kind of a fucking doctor They already chose my own future I have nothing to say

WarmPotato : Still better than the lack of parenting that happens in other households...

Ishingloo : I'm Asian (Thai) and I live in Guangdong. I'd like to add that here in China, many children are actually set up for marriage by their parents through hometown networks and "marriage markets." In this regard, this parenting style makes perfect sense. The first twenty-five years of a child's life are basically thought of by many parents as resume-building. Since many children aren't expected to find their own partners through trial-and-error dating, all the intangibles that Westerners look for in a partner are discarded by their parents in favor of more concrete and measurable points, such as schools and universities attended, career, salary, possessions, family prestige, etc. This is especially true for men, who have few marriage prospects if poor. Women in China also traditionally marry up the social ladder and get totally absorbed into their husband's family, so many girls are also (or instead) judged on their appearance, demureness, emotional skills, etc. Then, if a "high-class" man comes along who takes a liking to her, her family will gain access to his family's network. Naturally, I'm generalizing. I have seen many exceptions to this, but hopefully, I've given an adequate broad overview of the "why." It's a cultural thing, and it perpetuates just because Many Asians grow up lacking the experience to select their own partners because their culture already doesn't expect them to. But the singular focus on ticking Good Upbringing boxes makes them very attractive to other children's parents. Some people just don't want to take the risk of raising an "unimpressive" child. The issue is that Asians thus suffer when attempting to date in the West, where people tend to be more focused on the intangibles of personal relationships. There was a viral video in China of a Chinese guy who proposed to his foreign girlfriend by buying her a Lamborghini and got turned down. He threw a tantrum, screaming "I have money!" repeatedly. Because that's all he was told he'd need to have. Stories like that are common here.

Kia Azull : This video is so accurate to the point where I have to stop my tears from falling.

Ben Roback : To be fair, the child raising systems you mention also existed alongside a culture of arranged marriage. In such a culture your family background, education, employment, and physical health would be the criteria used to ensure you a better partner. provided the matchmaker is decent at negotiation. Dating wasn't even an issue. I think the problems you are mentioning stem from an incompatible merger of philosophies. The [individualism] that prioritizes personal freedom, expression, self-fulfillment, choice, and happiness., VS The [collectivism] that prioritizes the good of the group! be it a family, company, or a nation. The diometricly opposed philosophies exist in every culture to some degree, but in current America, individualism is prioritized. It is Important to "be yourself!" to "be who you are!", but as to who "yourself" is? Well, you largely get defined by your inclusion in groups,. The advantage you get is choice. As to your points about the Flaws of Asian Parenting, That such parenting models are not preparing children to be successful in a social arena. Firstly by not engraving in the children social skills. and secondly by undermining self-esteem and growth as an individual. Well, I agree totally that both these things are a problem. I am of the opinion that collaboration, cooperation, networking are essential not only in personal relationships such as Dating, marriage, and friendship but also in the public or business sector. Generalization is more and more giving way to specialization,. If individuals with specific skills or attributes wish to be successful they need networking skills to get hired or form with compatible teams. Then function well inside those teams.

Shabi_no_Samuri : i'm not asian but my mom is the same somehow but she has like a split personality . . . I think asian parents just reflect how they are feeling by attacking the child . just a huge control mechanism .

abstractions : "i'm going to talk about my parents - more specifically my mother and father"

justin Wang : If the children are unconfident and low esteem, they cannot perform well in the workplace even with an ivy league degree. The parents are just short-sighted, and they are actually working against their children.

Jason Wheneger : This sounds like the *real* "Patriarchy" that the SJWs and feminists *SHOULD* be fighting.

Blu : you can be super smart, but if you dont have the social skills, you wont go that far in life. i think all parents should teach their kids real life skills that schools do not teach, like dating, how to handle money, how to get a job, etc. the social part is one of the most important ones. you should be smart in your studies, but you should also know how to have a conversation with someone. social skills are necessity in society, without it, you are going to suffer a lot. learning them from a young age is key, dont wait until you are out of high school, and then you have no idea how to talk to people. i am one of those people that had poor social skills all the way up until college. i had to learn everything all by myself, how to talk to people properly, how to handle my body gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice. i never knew how complicated it actually was. im doing much better today, i can finally speak to people without looking like a psychopath, lol

{ Amoose } : I’ve got Asian parents and I’m glad they have close to balanced parenting like caring about grades

MysteriousGrimReaper : If my parents saw this they would probably think that they were the good parents