Why Surprise Proposal Videos Are the Worst | Internetting Season 2

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Those romantic, heartwarming surprise proposal videos are actually the worst. Episode 10 of our video series. More 'Internetting': nytimes.com/internetting Subscribe: http://bit.ly/U8Ys7n More from The New York Times Video: http://nytimes.com/video ---------- Whether it's reporting on conflicts abroad and political divisions at home, or covering the latest style trends and scientific developments, New York Times video journalists provide a revealing and unforgettable view of the world. It's all the news that's fit to watch.

Comments

kimberly s : Proposals should be an intimate, private thing... I'm sure these guys sometimes mean well but... don't put a woman on the spot. like that.

Nituraa : I think by proposing in public you kinda coerce the other person into saying yes to avoid embarrassment. Because the crowd reacts badly when they say no, I’m never going to forget watching one live on the graham norton show and the woman said no, everyone booed and I was like? Now it makes her look bad.

mister x : If you want a guilty pleasure, watch the suprise proposal videos where the girl says no.

Pippa219 : I like it when the woman turns the man down in the big elaborate proposals. Serves him right for humiliating her like that and not talking to her about it in private first.

Chuibby93 : I like this cynical view you have of these videos. Social media is now used to show off someone's ego rather than genuinely care about a topic

milkwaves 310 : I hate proposal videos because I NEVER. EVER. in my entire life. Want to be proposed like that. My goodness, that is the most awful thing I could think of from someone with social anxiety. I want a proposal between me, the person I'm dating, and that's it. I've dealt with not being able to say no to people because I was in public with other people and the expected answer was yes. So yeah, please don't propose to me like that. :)

I Really Care Don't U : "Soldiers coming home to dogs" videos aren't patriotic, they're sad. I just think of how long they were apart and how much they missed each other. If anything, it should be anti-war propoganda. "End the war and bring these soldiers home to their dogs."

Paige Young : I thought I was the only one who hated stuff like this! Thank you for making this video.

R Garlin : Couldn't agree with you more here, Amanda. Alas!

RAMR : More than coercive, I think that those proposal videos are more of a narcissistic thing: "oh look how cool it is when my girlfriend and I decide to bond together in perfect everlasting love in a picture perfect ceremony with the Rockettes dancing in the background." Post it all over Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and hope it goes viral. Follow me on all those social platforms too btw

Vardhanam Daga : Guys, once again great reporting of the dark side of human behavior that might seemingly seem "good". You guys have a great radar on detecting "bad" content , which when watched too much can make one feel bloated: it's a sick feeling. David Foster Wallace spoke about it. Btw, I'm still waiting for the video in which you tell us about the psychology behind disgusting pimple popping videos.

Music Is Life : If a proposal is planned enough to have bought a ring, let alone planned some sort of extravagant spectacle, it really should be planned enough that the couple have discussed and are on the same page about wanting to get married, being ready to be engaged, and what they're comfortable and hoping for in a proposal. The person being proposed to doesn't necessarily need to know all the details of when, where, and how the proposal is happening if they're happy not knowing, some people like a certain amount of surprise, but they should be aware that it's probably go to happen soonish and they should have discussed the subject enough to be on the same page about how private vs public, dramatic or low key, etc the couple want to be.

Contortionist 04 : I actually do hate the one where she said it was like the woman was getting arrested and had to agree to marriage. That is a forced marriage! Seriously? Otherwise I like surprise proposals.

Clara Martens Ávila : I have a friend who was proposed to a few weeks before her high school finals (she had repeated a few years, but still) at a wedding where both their families and friends where present. She said yes, but I heard she said later that while she did want to marry him she didn't see that as the right time, but with everyone there there had been no opportunity to say no

HexInfinity : Manufactured emotional porn as a means to control people: so delightful!

Val Joy : For some of those proposals they have already talked about, and agreed on, marriage and she’s waiting for that big proposal that will make her feel special. Some women love surprises like that, they want to feel that shock and awe (and aw) that he would go to such great lengths to make her feel what the people watching the video end up getting to feel. I just wanted to add that to the points you’re making.

readergrl56 : A public proposal can be really sweet...if it's 1) personalized and 2) not the first time the idea of proposing has been discussed between the couple. Obviously YouTube & social media has bloated this practice, but proposing in a (public) restaurant was not uncommon in the past. My dad proposed to my mom in a restaurant (this is mid-80s), but he discussed it with her *privately* beforehand. It was along the lines of "hey, what's your opinion on us getting married someday," but she was able to provide a definite answer before he did the whole nice dinner, flowers, getting down on one knee shindig. I get that a lot of people might want to invove family & friends in the actual proposal (maybe to take photos), but a lot of these VERY public/gimmicky proposals seem to be more about showboating than getting an actual answer. At least give the recipient a hint by subtly asking about ring designs or (better) get their friends/family to make sure that person would be ok with being proposed to and being proposed to in public.

Amanda Santiago : I absolutely loved the video. A proposal is something between 2 people. An audience is not necessary for the moment to be special. And with the internet, more and more events that should be private are blasted out to the world, and things that meant something's not have their meaning warped to mean something else. It's not the happiness of seeing someone you love return, or have someone you love agree to be with you that matters anymore. Its how many likes and comments can you get from that something you keep you in an artificial high. IDK, I just think something should be kept private. Excelent video, really.

Adam MacLean : I have been thinking the same thing!! But now you know what I now DO LOVE?! Proposal rejection videos!! The (often) women saying, “ummmmm, no” looks soooooo empowering. You should never propose unless you’ve already had the conversation, right?! Exactly like you say, doing it publicly without advance notice is coercion. Cheers to the ladies who were strong enough to say no because, c’mon guys!!!!!!!

Erwin Murry : Yo! Military brat here! I cant say i feel patriotic bliss when i watch homecoming videos. but i relieve the relief of seeing my father come home and it being for just me and my family. I would prefer that be a non published video. I am confused why non military people watch them though. Its sweet if it happens and filming it is nice, but what of the children who just go pick him up a 10:00 pm on a school night? Thats what my father’s homecoming was like for me.

What the Japanese are Talking about This Week : I can’t agree with you more. I hate those proposal videos but I guess it’s about people wanting strangers to celebrate for them as well

Five : Spectacle. It turns a relationship into a public spectacle, and the average passerby or viewers wants and expects a "yes" with z happy ending. Proposals used to be private affairs, but now are performances in an image-conscious attention economy. If you're going to go for spectacle, at the very least, have the discussion with your significant other first.

lucy lu : Absolutely! Why should a proposal be this huge thing where you pay hundreds to scare the crap out of the love of your life in the hopes of getting on Ellen? My parents met at a club, literally dated for 5 months, my dad's proposal was "we should get married if you wanna move with me" (he had a job that required him to move around), they got married at a courthouse and now they've been married for 15 years with 4 kids. I haven't even thought of them getting divorce since. You don't need to date for 6 years, have a huge, elaborate proposal and wedding to be happy

Em Cameron : From the small window into the making of a proposal I've had through my family & friends who've become engaged, it seems like a lot of proposals these days are just the final splashy cherry on the sundae of an ongoing conversation the couple's had before the big moment. (My best friend actually assumed that he & his now-husband were already engaged after they'd discussed it & agreed that getting married was a good idea, & was therefore truly surprised when he came home to a fancy staged proposal one evening.) So even though I'm not somebody who ever wants a big splashy proposal myself, I can enjoy a well-done 'surprise' proposal if it's one where the other partner is visibly on board with the whole thing, & it seems like they probably at some point had the 'okay, we're on the same page here, ball's in your court to pop the q' convo. I do kind of hope the whole proposal thing evolves to the point where once one person proposes, the other person isn't just expected to say 'yes' on the spot, but has to plan a counter-proposal of equal splashiness (or unsplashiness) before it's official. That way you can keep the fun element of surprise (or whatever suits the people involved), but it's more egalitarian & not so coercive.

LuTHieN : Agree 💯....people tend to share EVERYTHING these days publicly to show off. It’s cringyyyyy...what happened to some privacy and experiencing some personal moments? It’s also kinda of a peer pressure for the proposee; what if they say no? Embarrassment for the guy and awkwardness for the girl. Like u HAVE to say yes cause everyone is waiting. Personally never wanna be proposed to like that

samer samer : no i don't watch them to feel patriotic , I'm not even American , am Arab . i watch them cuz they show nice humanitarian side and they are sweet and portrays kindness .

Darren Laberee : I am so relieved I am not the only one who dislikes surprise proposals. One sour note is I love the ones where she says no, good for her

13orrax : if you this happens to you you should be allowed to say yes to save face and then say no later when no one is looking

SupremeChickenx : Hi please make a video on Ryan Gosling - he is so boring to watch

Taylor O'Rourke : I hate public proposals (prom, marriage, whatever) in general. It’s just too much pressure on the person being asked and to say no (even if that’s the best decision) makes that person seem bad. It almost takes the choice away from the person being asked because of the backlash they could receive for declining.

Jack Crowley : Honestly, I'm ok with it only if both parties know what's going on beforehand. Dramatic reveals can be fun if both people invovled have discussed and consented to the public reveal, a dramatic, fun "surprise, we're getting married!" that both people know about, so no one is getting blindsided in a way that can hurt or embarrass them.

Nicole Gruter : For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what a proposal video meant until I hit play. I thought it had something to do with a project proposal - hahahaha!! #notmarriagematerial

everberry51 : Gender reveal parties/videos are reactionary and cringeworthy.

Victor Jerome : I hate proposal videos! What a POS! I have never screamed in my life. I will leave it there, almost there. Please don't come up behind me to try to frighten me. You will not like the results, no one ever does.

Alexandra Lim : same. i think it takes the intimacy off the moment, although i appreciate the sentiment.

R̭̪̜͜oto S̻̙̘͉copic : Prank videos are *ALL* staged with the mark in on the prank. All of the them.

melloe : Haha omg I need to watch some of these failed surprise proposals

Alexa : To each their own I guess. Interesting perspective but these videos make life more fun and help us understand feelings others have experienced.

last Sc : I hate the "I got scammed on eBay, but the seller felt bad and sent me a package filled with stuff" videos & the darkweb unboxing vids

Lesbian Amazon Sister : I just don't watch them. I'd never do that to a woman I love. Edit: idk who that woman is who smacked the guy with the guitar, but she's amazing!

Vardhanam Daga : Yusss! Do more videos please

Shivam Shukla : Soldiers coming to their dogs is good.

Sara Ståhl : So spot on! Totally agree!

alessandramacedo18 : I feel most couples have discussed getting married before the proposal. These man know theis girlfriends are going to say yes, because they probably talked about it before. If that's the case, I think those big proposals are alright. It wouldn't be alright if the man wasn't sure that's what the woman wants.

Dr Eyad Hassan Kamel : Nice 👍 👍

springer k : I swear, I am so perverse. My favorite part about this series is the theme song!!!

Dcup : I love this series. Keep it up :)

Laurie Cloonan : I couldn't agree more! These voyeurs should get their own lives. It's sad how many people live vicariously through watching others. Life is not a spectator sport.

Jack Chow : We need more of this kind of video